Parts of Me
by Ukkepulk
Summary: Alex is still in Witness Protection and feeling like she loses more of her identity every day. Set after Conners trial. Spoilers for Loss and Guilt.


**A/n: I wrote this a few years ago and even posted it, but I read it again today and though that I'd rewrite it. I know that it's still short and there are probably still quite a few grammar mistakes, but I hope you like it and review. Also English still isn't my first language, so please be kind.**

**Spoilers: Loss and Guilt**

I wake up every morning hoping that this will be the last day I'll be in the witness protection program? Will I be able to go home soon? But then after a moment or two, I start asking myself other questions. Questions like, is this the last morning I'm going to wake up, or will this be the last day I will ever see? Those moments I feel so lost because I don't want to know the answers. Liam Conners may be extradited to Ireland, but it didn't eliminate the threat.

I should probably be completely honest with myself, because I do know the answer to a few of those questions. The only problem that the answers are sometimes questions too.

Will this be the last day I will ever live? That is one of the worst ones. The answer to that question would be: am I even alive?

Am I alive? I don't know. Alexandra Cabot, the kickass ADA from New York, is dead and Emily, the claims adjuster from Wisconsin, is also no more. I don't know who I am. Every day I have to remind myself that I am not Alex Cabot, but Ella or Jennifer or Lisa and the list goes on. Every time I get a new identity, I think that a part of Alex Cabot fades. Every time that I have to start over again I feel even more lost then before. I don't know how long I will be able to keep going like this before Alex Cabot fades completely.

I thought I would be okay after I went to testify at Liam Conners trial. After being Alex Cabot, for however short a time, I would be okay to be whomever else they required me to be. I was finally myself, and it was great whilst it lasted. Seeing Eliot and losing infinite number of board games. And Olivia, oh Olivia. She was still going beyond and further. I don't think I would have made it in court without her giving me Conners file. During those times I was simply Alex Cabot, I was me.

I hadn't realised that I would desire to be Alex Cabot so much more afterwards. I had a taste of my old life and wanted to go back to it so badly. Becoming Andrea after the Conners trial was the hardest thing I ever had to do. There were more rules because people now knew that Alex Cabot was alive. So as well as adjusting to a new identity, I also had to lay low and deal with missing my old life more then ever. I felt so lost those first few days, even more than when I first joined witness protection. I felt like I didn't have an identity.

Without my identity, how could I be alive? I might have slept, eaten, breathed and worked yesterday, but does that mean I'm alive? Biologically speaking I'm alive. I just don't know how long that will be enough. I go through the motions of life, just to keep going. There are only a few things that can distract. I usually stay late at work, eat dinner in a few minutes and I work out for the rest of the evening. At the end of the evening I'm so exhausted that fall into bed and into a deep sleep. The only part of the day that I have time to think is in the morning. That also automatically means that it is the worst part of the day.

Every morning I have hope that it will be the last time that I wake up in the witness protection program. I don't know how many more of those mornings I can handle before I lose myself. Maybe I have already lost myself seeing as think about my death more than the average human being that is not life-threatening illness. It could be too late for me to return as Alex Cabot.

The questions return every morning, I can only hope that one day they won't.

Am I alive? And if I am, who am I?

**A/N: The old version can still be found on my profile if you're interested in amateurish writing and haven't had enough of it by now.**


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